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| In A Mans World * Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. * Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." * Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. * If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. * Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. * Birth control would come in ale or lager. * You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "The Lone Ranger." * Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. * The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. * "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. * At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. * It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. * Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. * Tanks would be far easier to rent. * Garbage would take itself out. * Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." * Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!" * Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. * On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. * St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. * But it would be celebrated every month! * Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. * The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch. * The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. * It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. * Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. * When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." * Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." * The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. * People would never talk about how fresh they felt. * Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. * Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation |
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